Well... it's has been a long time. I've missed you. You may have missed me. Mwah mwah. I have been working myself silly and then holidaying. But back to normal life. I started this post months ago, but in the words of dear Magnus "I've started so I'll finish". Prepare yourself for some disjointed ramblings... buckle up...
I have strange fixations. You may have noticed if you read any of the previous three posts; point and shoot webbery, the life cycle of bees and random Latin phrases all come to mind. This week (which actually was 2 months ago), I developed an incredibly strange fixation: unusual celebrity deaths. I wish I were joking but I am not.
I dropped into conversation the other day that Jayne Mansfield was decapitated. Then I said that Grace Kelly was decapitated too. It made me think... exactly how many famous people have been decapitated? (Not a clue) Am I making it all up? (Yes) Am I normal? (No) Did Mama Cass really choke on a ham sandwich? (No)
Stage Direction: TWO MONTHS NOW PASS
So, I've been telling people for years that Jayne Mansfield was decapitated and Mama Cass choked on a ham sandwich (in fact, every time 'Dream a Little Dream' came on, I'd just give a knowledgeable nod towards the radio and say 'choked on a ham sandwich'). I’ve done some research (Wikipedia). It’s an urban myth; Mama Cass died of a heart attack. However, there was a ham sandwich in her room (too much red meat is, after all, bad for you). On the matter of Jayne Mansfield, her head didn't come off in a car accident; her wig may have though.
So, things that I thought to be true which actually aren't:
1. Someone invented colour. Film and TV just represented the change in the world from black and white to colour. (It turns out colour FILM was invented; not colour in the world - who would have thought it?) I managed to get over this erroneous belief at the age of 8 and I must say I was a little disappointed.
2. There is a cloud which you can fall 100 feet through and survive. There is an example of a man (let's call him Barry) in the US who actually survived this very kind of fall. I read this and believed it to be true. I have told tens of people this little known fact over the last 6 or so years. It turns out Barry had a parachute.
3. Last one is a cheat; it’s actually a term. Until I was 17 and in the midst of driving lessons, I believed a “dual carriageway” was actually a “George carriageway”. I spent many minutes in my teenage years pondering who this George was and why they named a type of road after him. Was he a road creator, like the Romans? Was he actually one of the Romans? Was he the highest up in the ranks of Roman road creators? And, if so, why did he have such an English name? Didn’t the Romans come from Italy? Shouldn’t it be Georgio? I remember the day my driving instructor asked me to turn onto the dual carriageway, and clouds opened, light shone and birds sung! “It’s dual, DUAL!” That makes much more sense. No more Roman thoughts.
Aside: The reason I believed it was George carriageway was that my parents have quite strong London accents and when they mentioned dual carriageways (in travel style scenarios) it always sounded like they were saying ‘George’ to me.
I like to think of the knock on effects of these believed myths. How many other people now think a dual carriageway is a George carriageway because I’ve told them it’s true? Are people sitting on planes right now thinking ‘well, as long as the plane breaks down over a cumulonimbus, I should be able to cloud surf my way to safety’? Some ‘knowledge’ is indeed a dangerous thing.
I feel the need for some kind of revelatory ending to all of this, but all I've got are some wise words from a great work of 90s televisual art (in colour) known as The X Files: Trust No One.
P.S. I feel purged now of my foolish thoughts - thanks! Feel free to purge yours in the comments below!
