I Bet You're Dying To Read This...

Well... it's has been a long time. I've missed you. You may have missed me. Mwah mwah. I have been working myself silly and then holidaying. But back to normal life. I started this post months ago, but in the words of dear Magnus "I've started so I'll finish". Prepare yourself for some disjointed ramblings... buckle up...

I have strange fixations. You may have noticed if you read any of the previous three posts; point and shoot webbery, the life cycle of bees and random Latin phrases all come to mind. This week (which actually was 2 months ago), I developed an incredibly strange fixation: unusual celebrity deaths. I wish I were joking but I am not.

I dropped into conversation the other day that Jayne Mansfield was decapitated. Then I said that Grace Kelly was decapitated too. It made me think... exactly how many famous people have been decapitated? (Not a clue) Am I making it all up? (Yes) Am I normal? (No) Did Mama Cass really choke on a ham sandwich? (No)

Stage Direction: TWO MONTHS NOW PASS

So, I've been telling people for years that Jayne Mansfield was decapitated and Mama Cass choked on a ham sandwich (in fact, every time 'Dream a Little Dream' came on, I'd just give a knowledgeable nod towards the radio and say 'choked on a ham sandwich'). I’ve done some research (Wikipedia). It’s an urban myth; Mama Cass died of a heart attack. However, there was a ham sandwich in her room (too much red meat is, after all, bad for you). On the matter of Jayne Mansfield, her head didn't come off in a car accident; her wig may have though.

So, things that I thought to be true which actually aren't:

1. Someone invented colour. Film and TV just represented the change in the world from black and white to colour. (It turns out colour FILM was invented; not colour in the world - who would have thought it?) I managed to get over this erroneous belief at the age of 8 and I must say I was a little disappointed.

2. There is a cloud which you can fall 100 feet through and survive. There is an example of a man (let's call him Barry) in the US who actually survived this very kind of fall. I read this and believed it to be true. I have told tens of people this little known fact over the last 6 or so years. It turns out Barry had a parachute.

3. Last one is a cheat; it’s actually a term. Until I was 17 and in the midst of driving lessons, I believed a “dual carriageway” was actually a “George carriageway”. I spent many minutes in my teenage years pondering who this George was and why they named a type of road after him. Was he a road creator, like the Romans? Was he actually one of the Romans? Was he the highest up in the ranks of Roman road creators? And, if so, why did he have such an English name? Didn’t the Romans come from Italy? Shouldn’t it be Georgio? I remember the day my driving instructor asked me to turn onto the dual carriageway, and clouds opened, light shone and birds sung! “It’s dual, DUAL!” That makes much more sense. No more Roman thoughts.

Aside: The reason I believed it was George carriageway was that my parents have quite strong London accents and when they mentioned dual carriageways (in travel style scenarios) it always sounded like they were saying ‘George’ to me.

I like to think of the knock on effects of these believed myths. How many other people now think a dual carriageway is a George carriageway because I’ve told them it’s true? Are people sitting on planes right now thinking ‘well, as long as the plane breaks down over a cumulonimbus, I should be able to cloud surf my way to safety’? Some ‘knowledge’ is indeed a dangerous thing.

I feel the need for some kind of revelatory ending to all of this, but all I've got are some wise words from a great work of 90s televisual art (in colour) known as The X Files: Trust No One.

P.S. I feel purged now of my foolish thoughts - thanks! Feel free to purge yours in the comments below!

Audio, Video, Disco

What a strange title! Three random words splatted together in meaningless abandon. In fact, they are now my favourite words, discovered while researching blog matters. Audio, Video, Disco is actually Latin for 'I hear, I see, I learn'. Very teacherly (although I’m sure we’ve all been familiar with 'Audio, Video, Ignorio' too).

Of course, those of you versed in the ways of Latin didn't need such a patronising translation. And here leads to the subject of my blog: To Latin or Not to Latin? That is the question.

Latin is a dead language. Officially. So it's a language that doesn't sell well in holiday phrasebooks. It's not going to get you out of a hairy situation with a cab driver on the continent. So WHY WHY WHY do people learn it?

One reason for learning Latin, as the linguists among us would say, is that an understanding of Latin gives you an understanding of the foundations of language. Apparently Latin can make you a better language learner.

Whatever. There is only one reason to learn Latin: University Challenge. Now I am a Latin wasteland. I have about 18 words (now 21: audio, video, disco). However, my flatmate, let's call her Isabella Von Curtsenburg (I can't thrust her into the limelight of my readership - well into the single figures - so you may guess I am using a pseudonym) has quite the smattering of Latin. And four out of five times, Isabella wins at University Challenge. This, of course, has nothing to do with intellectual capacity! Rather, when to me it sounds like Jeremy Paxman is doing an impression of Chewbacca, apparently he is saying a Latin term. A translate goes into action. And before I know it Isabella has won. Game over. I lose.

Learning Latin also has the added advantage of effortlessly understanding academic bric-a-brac. In days of yore, when I was at university, I remember my lecturer talking about the ideals of ‘primus inter pares’. I needed this in English, please! To which my lecturer replied ‘First Among Equals’. “Ooooh, that’s a book by that Jeffrey Archer” (read in the style of Barbara Windsor). What a treat it would be to access my linguistic toolkit without thinking of that ex con and moral gymnast.... or of Up Pompeii.

So, readership of nearly ten, learn Latin. And next time you are glued to a difficult and obscure game show it won't be proxima sed non corona (close but no cigar). Now I have to go... P Diddy’s Star Maker is on...

The Randomness of the Long Distance TEFL Teacher

Last week, I forgot to write my blog. Shame on me! Shame on me! I know it's only my second blog and I should still be in the first throes of passion for it, but I found myself uncontrollably in love with the life cycle of bees. No, it's not a film or a new band or anything so cool. I just became fascinated by larva, pupas, workers and drones and everything else bee-related.

Odd? You may well think so, but I think it is a well-known side-effect of creating your own materials when a teacher, especially an English language teacher. You sit down with a language point that you need to 'exploit' and you think 'hmmm what could I use to exploit this? I know, an article on the Nobel Prize'. Before you know it, you know Laurence Bragg was the youngest winner, that only 41 women have won it (out of 829 given), and can name the winners in chronological and alphabetical order (and reverse)!

Which brings me to my point; TEFL teachers are a mine of random factual information. I hate football, but I know the world cup is named the Jules Rimmet Cup (InsideOut Pre-Intermediate?), there is something called 'police speak' to help officers understand each other in international crime situations - god help us (Cutting Edge Advanced?), and natural rubber was discovered by Spanish conquistadors (IELTS Express).

So, bees... Don't ask me about them. I'll bore you to death. At Target English we are creating materials for IELTS and PTE practice, and I found out all about bees, wrote my listening, recorded it and was so engrossed and pleased, I nearly POSTED MY LISTENING ON FACEBOOK so everyone could enjoy this enlightening gem from the natural world. Fortunately, I stopped myself, realising I had clearly leapt over the line between teacher and geek. In fact, I was so far away from the line I couldn't see it anymore. I was getting ready for chess and an episode of The Big Bang Theory.

So beware (or release) your inner geek TEFLers! And do not hesitate to post me your random points of knowledge from your teachings please! I need more....

P.S. Don't get me started on the male to female ratio of Nobel Prize winners... I think I have found my next blog!

Point and Shoot Mentality

It's official. I have my geek badge. I have set up my first website; it has moving bits, it has forms, it looks semi-pretty. I am one happy little amateur 'computerphile'.

It all started months ago when myself and a friend and colleague, we shall call her Fi (that's her name), decided to set up our own business. What do we need? Business cards, logo, product (we are teachers so the product is us - handy).... website.

Hmmm... well being "good at IT" and having the reputation of "a bit of a geek" - the website fell to me. Now, I am somewhat good at IT, but let's remember, it's a big field. David Beckham is "good at sport" but he probably couldn't do a triple salchow to add that special 'impress' to a Bolero routine. In the same way that a footballer would have trouble ice skating, a whiz at using the Office Suite might not be your first choice as a web developer.

What a learning curve! I think I have discovered the main laws of web development though;

point, shoot, miss,

point, shoot, miss,

point , shoot, HIT!

(Oh and that a back up is always a good idea)

My essential equipment for development have been, firefox, firebug, a large bottle of gin, a colour picker, and a 'what's the worst that can happen?' outlook (best not to go too far down that road though).

So now we have a website! Hallelujah! Here it is: www.target-english.co.uk

I am Bill Gates.

P.S. If anyone can tell me why the logo doesn't print out and how to fix it, I shall send them the rest of the gin bottle. And give them a big TWEET OUT! :)